The Good, The Bad, and the Ugma: John Carpenter


"It's all in the reflexes..."

"It's all in the reflexes..."

Big Trouble in Little China” 1986

Kurt Russell at his best, the badass hero that doesn’t show his physical badassness until the end of the picture, and even then he’s got lipstick on his face. Watch it, you’ll get it. There’s also a ton of testosterone loaded one-liners… “Everybody relax… I’m here.”

Kim Cattrall, James Hong, and Victor Wong kick much ass in this ahead of its time classic. Special FX are totally on par with Ghostbusters and look better than a lot of the CGI bullshit being produced today. (What the hell happened to George Lucas?)

This is John Carpenter at his best, from mood, to story, to score, this flick delivers the goods. And a big shout out to DP Dean Cundey.


This movie sucks (kinda)

This movie sucks (kinda)

John Carpenter’s Vampires” 1998

This one is tough because it is definitely NOT a good movie. It IS, however, extremely entertaining.

James Woods is a kickass Vampire hunter, hands down. And, believe it or not, Daniel friggin’ Baldwin actually turns in a funny, focused performance as his sidekick. The drag here is that the whole film feels very much like the first draft of a good idea that never got fully worked through before the cameras rolled.

Like all Carpenter flicks there are some great one-liners… Woods to the OG Vampire, “Let me just ask you one thing – after 600 years, how’s that dick workin’, pretty good?”

The leading lady performance ain’t so grand here either. But if you’re up at 3AM and want to stop flipping through the channels, this is a good flick to stop on… and even though it isn’t a GOOD movie it still kicks the shit out of that “Twilight” turd.


"Studio Remakes Scare Me Shitless!"

"Studio Remakes Scare Me Shitless!"

John Carpenter’s Village of the Damned” 1995

This is the kind of thing that makes me sad. Great director doing a studio picture and, for whatever reasons, it just comes out like this… forgettable.

The casting is odd. Christopher Reeve, Kirstie Alley, and Mark Hamill… all very uncompelling in this piece. And the script itself just makes us all suffer form all the things that just don’t work. To sum up, no kids, even from outer space, would wear the ridiculous clothes or sport the faggy, yes I said it, faggy hairstyles these kids are pimpin’. We also jumpcut at least 8 years into the future but nobody in town, except for these demon alien children, ages.

For the first 15 minutes of this film you might be drawn in, but once the creepy cool opening is done and the actors regain consciousness it just kinda goes limp. Not completely limp… you can still hump a little, but why would you want to.

This flick and the original both show up somewhere in cable heaven every month or so, so Tivo that sheeyot! They are both worth watching. Carpenter’s especially so just to see how a really great director can helm a movie he most likely doesn’t really care about and end up with a movie that not many people really care about.

NOTE: I wish every bad movie out there were as good as the worst John Carpenter film so I wouldn’t feel gypped out of the precious eyeball time I spent watching the cinematic wastes of space.


“Big Trouble In Little China” GOOD
I love the action. Kurt Russell’s a badass and my favorite character is Egg Shen. I like when Kurt Russell says to him, “How’d you get up there?” and Egg says, “It wasn’t easy!”

“Vampires” GOOD
I like it and bro thinks it’s not good but he still likes it too. James Woods is a badass in it like a hard muthafoko. And my favorite is when he tells the Cardinal “You are truly a pile of dog shit, Cardinal.”

“Village of the Damned” UGMA
This movie is kinda weird. This movie is why I hate kids. I don’t want kids. I don’t like kids. I hate kids. I almost shit my pants when the evil kids’ eyes glowed. This movie is kind of awful. I think this movie is worse than “The Happening” piece of M. Night Shyamalan shit.

Ponceman of the Damned