“THE GAYS” LOWER STANDARDS TO INCREASE MEMBERSHIP

For decades “the gays” have struggled and risen above many obstacles that have stood between them and acceptance into modern American society. From plain ol’ bigotry to nasty, messy hate crimes, to metrosexualizing the modern male, the road to an open-armed welcome for the modern homosexual has been a tough one.

“I bet it’s been rougher than a hemorrhoid riddled rectal path,” said one high-fiving and alliterative straight male.

Remember the initial confusion and eventual acceptance of Boy George and the Indigo Girls. Once Americans realized that Boy George actually was a Boy and the Indigo Girls were indeed (anatomically) girls, it made loving or recoiling from their music a choice one could make without a homophobic bias. It was still fun for your average homophobe to mock the individual’s style and sexual preferences without preventing said homophobe from shaking his or her ass to Miss Me Blind or sipping herbal tea while Closer to Fine lilted through the air like a tome from the vocal chords of a more macho Neil Young.

And now “the gays” are taking a giant leap forward with what they hope will be a final blow to homophobia and Gay Hatred (or Gay-tred) that will make the everyday homosexual almost indistinguishable from the Apple Pie, tailgating American populace.

Taking a cue from Federal run agencies like Fire Departments, the Coast Guard and Police Departments, “the gays” have announced that they are officially lowering the requirements for becoming “a gay.”

“The days of having to lift and carry a 200 pound person out of a burning building are over for firemen. So too are the days of having to like same-sex genitals in the gay community!” said “a gay” at a recent press conference.

Having a genuine attraction to the genitals of your lover is an archaic tradition. Just look at the heterosexual community. In a recent poll, 88% of married heterosexual couples in America are actually repulsed by the genitals of their spouse. Why should the homosexual community be held to different standards?

“We feel our culture has grown past the pettiness of the past and, put quite simply, the need for cultural acceptance far outweighs the personal preference of the individual. Therefore, we have lowered the minimum requirements for membership,” said another “a gay.”

The main change is eliminating the need for members of “the gays” to have male-male or female-female sex. Men, do you love the fashion sense and grooming skills of the Queer Eye clique but find that you are repulsed by the notion of sucking on penises? No problem. Ladies, do you find there is viable entertainment value in women’s sports, specifically basketball? Do you like to kick back to 90s era Ani DiFranco but feel that mouth to vagina sex is an act that would make you hurl? No longer issues. Everything has been stripped down to the basics to make becoming “a gay” as easy as, well…. as easy as any gay dude at a gay club at any time of the day…. anywhere.

Do you want to be a gay male? You simply have to primp and groom yourself like Ryan Seacrest*. Or join the “bear” sect and eat all you want. Note, if you opt for the “bear” route you are still required to cuddle at least 3 different males a week for no less than 45 minutes per session. Want to join the lesbian community? It’s as simple as joining a woman’s softball league and wearing Birkenstocks, Chucks, Doc Martens, Airwalks or sports sandals at all times. It is also strongly suggested to invest in at least one Dream Catcher, prominently displayed at the entrance of your home or, preferably, over your bed.

The logic is simple, if married straight people don’t have the desire or requirement to go down on each other or penetrate one another then why should gay couples have to do it? “The Gays” feel strongly that this new lift on requirements will wipe out any and all hangups straight people might have that have prevented them from completely ignoring or caring about what “the gays” are doing in their bedrooms. They just want the straight people to simply assume “the gays” sex-lives are as boring and non-active as the sex-lives of their married straight friends.

*Ryan Seacrest has officially been claimed as “a gay” by “the gays” regardless of anything he claims is his sexual preference. Honestly, he could be into banging Saran Wrap, it doesn’t matter. He’s an honorary member whether he likes it or not. Especially after his recent hissy fit at the Oscars.

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Fuck Googlers, Not Google

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We live in a pretty amazing time. Too bad it’s full of unfathomably advanced technology that seems to aid in making a great deal of this human population I am part of dumber than a bag of wet rocks. We have cell phones that can satellite trace our family members phones so we can save them from pedophiles and rapists or just bust our whorish daughters felating their favorite band or football team when they roll through town. We have computers and games that are so real and exciting people lose, or rather, transfer their own existences into them to the point that their virtual lives are more real than their real ones.

We are a stupid nation. I’m in one of those bitching moods. Why? Because someone near and dear to me just Googled something for the THIRD FUCKING TIME this week. That’s right, they Googled something three times in one week. Now, in my mind this is beyond baffling. It’s mind numbing. Does this person have early-onset Alzheimer’s? Does this person have a head injury that has knocked out the better part of their short term memory? Is there a ripple in the time space continuum that is causing them to have to repeat the same trivial knowledge query in an endless Groundhog’s Day style infernal loop? Is there a ripple in the time space continuum that is causing them to have to repeat the same trivial knowledge query in an endless Groundhog’s Day style infernal loop? Is there a ripple in the time space continuum that is causing them to have to repeat the same trivial knowledge query in an endless Groundhog’s Day style infernal loop?

See, I wrote that last sentence three times to make a joke. But the Googler at the center of my anger eruption is not joking when they re-Google crap they just Googled, sometimes in the same day. Why does this bother me? Why is it like a hot skewer plunging into the frontal lobe of my brain?

BECAUSE WE SHOULD BE GETTING SMARTER…. ALL OF US!!!!! Instead, the Google has become the idiot’s crutch, further crippling the already mentally ill-speeded by making the answers to questions so readily available that they don’t bother to commit anything to memory. THAT’S FUCKING LAZINESS TO THE NTH DEGREE! What’s the Nth degree? GOOGLE IT! Then remember the answer so you’ll know it the next time you hear it. Or, wild hair up my ass here on this one, you’ll remember it the next time you decide to use it yourself.

The miracle of Google is wasted on morons.

Think of how amazing it is that you don’t need text books, you don’t need to break out the bulky 23 volume Encyclopedia Brittanica with the red and gold gilted spine when you want to learn something. Only catch is, nobody wants to learn anything. They just want the answer they need fast and easy and then knowledge be gone…. until they need to look it up again.

File that shit! You have a brain, there are slots in there designed to store those googled bits of brain food, don’t just toss it out! Stick in in that brain and remember it, damn your eyes! Don’t know what the phrase damn your eyes means or where it originated? Google it, then REMEMBER what you read, or should I say LEARN IT.

I’ve used so many ALL CAPS in this post it’s strained my girlish fingertips. In all sincerity, please try to remember stuff you Google.

— Please try to spread it like a meme with the staying power of cancer —

Tell your friends, give them shit if you notice them multi-Googling stuff. We are headed down Stupid Tunnel at an alarming rate. We have the tools to become smarter as a species but laziness and shiny objects have derailed an alarming number of our fellow homosapiens.

And that is all the rant I have in me. For now.

-SAP