Fuck Googlers, Not Google

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We live in a pretty amazing time. Too bad it’s full of unfathomably advanced technology that seems to aid in making a great deal of this human population I am part of dumber than a bag of wet rocks. We have cell phones that can satellite trace our family members phones so we can save them from pedophiles and rapists or just bust our whorish daughters felating their favorite band or football team when they roll through town. We have computers and games that are so real and exciting people lose, or rather, transfer their own existences into them to the point that their virtual lives are more real than their real ones.

We are a stupid nation. I’m in one of those bitching moods. Why? Because someone near and dear to me just Googled something for the THIRD FUCKING TIME this week. That’s right, they Googled something three times in one week. Now, in my mind this is beyond baffling. It’s mind numbing. Does this person have early-onset Alzheimer’s? Does this person have a head injury that has knocked out the better part of their short term memory? Is there a ripple in the time space continuum that is causing them to have to repeat the same trivial knowledge query in an endless Groundhog’s Day style infernal loop? Is there a ripple in the time space continuum that is causing them to have to repeat the same trivial knowledge query in an endless Groundhog’s Day style infernal loop? Is there a ripple in the time space continuum that is causing them to have to repeat the same trivial knowledge query in an endless Groundhog’s Day style infernal loop?

See, I wrote that last sentence three times to make a joke. But the Googler at the center of my anger eruption is not joking when they re-Google crap they just Googled, sometimes in the same day. Why does this bother me? Why is it like a hot skewer plunging into the frontal lobe of my brain?

BECAUSE WE SHOULD BE GETTING SMARTER…. ALL OF US!!!!! Instead, the Google has become the idiot’s crutch, further crippling the already mentally ill-speeded by making the answers to questions so readily available that they don’t bother to commit anything to memory. THAT’S FUCKING LAZINESS TO THE NTH DEGREE! What’s the Nth degree? GOOGLE IT! Then remember the answer so you’ll know it the next time you hear it. Or, wild hair up my ass here on this one, you’ll remember it the next time you decide to use it yourself.

The miracle of Google is wasted on morons.

Think of how amazing it is that you don’t need text books, you don’t need to break out the bulky 23 volume Encyclopedia Brittanica with the red and gold gilted spine when you want to learn something. Only catch is, nobody wants to learn anything. They just want the answer they need fast and easy and then knowledge be gone…. until they need to look it up again.

File that shit! You have a brain, there are slots in there designed to store those googled bits of brain food, don’t just toss it out! Stick in in that brain and remember it, damn your eyes! Don’t know what the phrase damn your eyes means or where it originated? Google it, then REMEMBER what you read, or should I say LEARN IT.

I’ve used so many ALL CAPS in this post it’s strained my girlish fingertips. In all sincerity, please try to remember stuff you Google.

— Please try to spread it like a meme with the staying power of cancer —

Tell your friends, give them shit if you notice them multi-Googling stuff. We are headed down Stupid Tunnel at an alarming rate. We have the tools to become smarter as a species but laziness and shiny objects have derailed an alarming number of our fellow homosapiens.

And that is all the rant I have in me. For now.

-SAP

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