A Thanksgiving Tale

by Scott Allen Perry

One fine autumn morn, Farmer Delacroix stepped out onto his tobacco field, sniffed in the sweet blue-skied air and said, “Today is a good day for killin’.”

WHACK!

The sound of the axe cut through the air as forcefully as it did the turkey neck Farmer Delacroix had chosen as his victim. He didn’t much care for turkeys. Never did. Never would. He did like killing them though, and did it with Vigor and Joy. Vigor and Joy were the neighbor kids down the way who loved watching Farmer Delacroix do his “turkey whackin'”. Mostly because he’d always give them the turkeys he whacked and that meant they’d eat well that week. That is, as long as Aunt Nedelia wasn’t visiting.

Aunt Nedelia was a portly woman. Scratch that. She was Rotund. Blimp-like in her shape and seemed hellbent on increasing her mass by ingesting every ounce of food that came within her reach. She especially had a hankering for turkey.

Vigor and Joy bounced into the kitchen, their overflowing excitement dredged as they laid eyes on Aunt Nedelia. They dropped the headless turkey right there on the kitchen floor and got a powerful spanking from their father, Lawrence Gibbler, for making such a bloody mess in his temple of yum. Lawrence Gibbler was a patient man, but not when it came to turkey blood, or turkeys in general as he considered them to be the foulest of fowl.

The children sat frownie-faced as the headless bird was gutted, plucked and placed into the oven for a slow cook journey that would lead it to Tummyville. The kids knew that their tummies would be lucky to get the slightest morsel of that turkey Farmer Delacroix had so happily handed over to them that morning. If he only know that his bird was to be ravaged and swallowed up by that gluttonous behemoth known as Aunt Nedelia. Then it hit them….

Lawrence Gibbler always saved the turkey feathers he plucked from Farmer Delacroix’s gift turkeys. He one day planned to make a fine frock for himself, adorned in turkey feathers that circled his visage and trailed down the long kingly train he imagined he’d one day wear. He kept the feathers in a series of wheelbarrows out in the big, red barn behind the house. They’d been separated by turkey size, turkey sex, and feather hue. Lawrence Gibbler was all about the feather hue. Vigor and Joy gathered up the feathers and poured them into a trench they dug off the back porch of the house. Their plan was in motion.

Aunt Nedelia sat at the kitchen table, gazing at the turkey in the oven as it slowly browned. She fantasized what the first bite would taste like, the crisp skin cracking beneath her bicuspids. The saliva formed pools in the corner of her mouth. Her gargantuan stomach groaned like the bowels of an old slave ship in a squall. Then it hit her…. the smell of dark chocolate. It was one of the only smells on the planet powerful enough to pull her away from her turkey gazing station. The chair creaked as she heaved her poundage up and trudged her way across the floor to the back porch. With every thudding step she took, the scent of dark chocolate filled her nostrils, sending adrenaline pulsing through her heart and driving her closer to the decadent smell that she longed to swallow whole.

The porch door swung open and Nedelia squeezed her way outside. The wood cracked and moaned under her weight as she drew closer to the source of the smell. Then she saw it. It was beautiful. There, just a few feet off the porch steps, was a shiny, dark chocolate, Easter bunny. The sun had already heated it enough for it to moisten, it’s curves glistening in the glow of the Autumn sky. She moved faster. Down the stairs she walked, drops of saliva falling from her lips as she imagined taking the brown, sugary sweetness into her mouth in one gaping swallow. A vision that vanished the instant she stepped into the trench Vigor and Joy had carefully camouflaged with leaves and twigs. Nedelia plummeted and quickly sank beneath the thousands of turkey feathers the children had placed there atop a thin layer of fresh, hot tar. Nedelia writhed and wailed, swirling herself in a bath of tar and turkey feathers. When she finally emerged from the trench she no longer looked like the Nedelia that was there moments before. No, this was an entirely new look, a new creature that now graced God’s orange and brown earth. This was a giant turkey woman. A giant turkey woman that had crawled out from the ground at Lawrence Gibbler’s place and into the sights of Farmer Delacroix’s axe-blade.

WHACK!

WHACK!

WHACK!

Vigor and Joy grinned that night with every bite of turkey they ate. A knowing look passed between them they would share every time their tongues tasted turkey, then and for the rest of their natural lives. Lawrence Gibbler never suspected a thing as he’d returned to his kitchen that afternoon to find a note from his spherical sister that read, “Lawrence, I couldn’t wait for your turkey to cook. I’m leaving forever for Turkey Ville, South Carolina, where the turkey meat flows free. I shall ever return for I intend to marry a turkey once I arrive there and make little human/turkey babies for the rest of my years. Love always, your sister, Nedelia.”

That night, Vigor and Joy finished the entire bird. There were no leftovers. A symbolic way of finishing off their little secret. They were content, for the knew there would be more turkeys. And they knew there would be no more Aunt Nedelia to swoop in and take the bird from their lips before they’d ever had a chance to taste it. And if, by some chance, another person invaded their lives, a person with a hunger such as the aforementioned Aunt Nedelia, they knew there would be a remedy for their dilemma. For every day was a new day, and, as Farmer Delacroix would say, “Today is a good day for killin’.”

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Last Los Angeles book signing at the Last Bookstore

It’s fitting our last Los Angeles area signing ends at The Last Bookstore in downtown L.A. Posse in effect, Doug Jones, Eric Curtis, Scott Allen Perry and special SKYPE in by Costumer Connie Perry and Fallen Superhero Josh the Ponceman Perry. Stay tuned for possible bonus guests. Come out and get some hugs, buy a book and get it signed by the deranged people who put it together.

COME ON OUT!

8PM, The Last Bookstore
453 S. Spring Street
Los Angeles, CA 90013

Superhero by Superhero: Jupiter Boy and Captain Sensitivity

These guys are a couple of Dicks….

Fallen Superheroes: Jupiter Boy & Captain Sensitivity

Models: Lucas Dick and Andy Dick

Shooting with Andy Dick was a definite departure from the way we shot the other superheroes. We hooked up with him through his some Lucas. Lucas is an actor and comedian, and he and Eric are friends. We loved the idea of a father and son superhero team. We also loved the idea of seeing Andy Dick in a pink superhero costume with a flower cape.

Some wonderful outtakes for your eyeballs

Originally, Captain Sensitivity’s costume was made for Eric Roberts. But as fate would have it, Eric went into rehab when we were supposed to shoot. He was on that show, REHAB. Bad timing for us, great timing for Eric Roberts to get himself together.

Cut to Eric Curtis talking to Lucas about being a superhero and the notion of the father son angle with Andy. He loved the idea. He called us after he talked to Andy and said he was into it. We set a shoot date and messed around with some basic father/son superhero story angles. Estrangement, neglect, the child who is more the parent than the father. All of these ideas resonated with us and, more importantly, with Lucas.

Now, I’ve loved Andy Dick since I first saw him on News Radio. He’s one of my favorite people to see on screen. So making him into a superhero was a great way to work with him. And Lucas is one of the nicest guys I’ve met. Together, we knew they’d look amazing as a superhero duo.

It’s no secret that Andy Dick has had a ton of bad press, a crapload of crazy stories written about him and more than his fair share of being tazed. I’m not gonna trash talk because I really had a great time shooting with him. Mostly because of…. well, I’ll dish the highlights of Andy putting on his costume. Here’s a snippet, as close to verbatim as I can remember.

A very flamboyant Andy, “People are going to say this costume makes me look gay.”

A very deadpan me, “You think they’re gonna say it’s the COSTUME that makes you look gay.”

A very eyebrow raised Andy, “It’s playing into a stereotype.”

A very amused me, “You’re beyond a stereotype. You’re a 5.1-surround-sound-type.”

A very smirky Andy, “Can I take the shorts off? They’re blue fur.”

A very cocky me, “That’s the pimp factor. Lose the pimp factor you just got a hot pink suit. Now who’s playing into a stereotype?”

A very excited Andy, “I have fur on my balls! My furry pimpy balls!”

A very happy me, “That’s it. We can lose the shorts on the last shot if you want. Pimpin’ ain’t easy, gotta let your boys breath at the end of the day.”

A very sarcastic Andy, “It still makes me look gay.”

A very antagonistic me, “Can we talk about vaginas or something?”

A very aroused Andy, “Vaginas!?!?! Why do you want to talk about vaginas? Vaginas are gross! (Long pause) Actually, I love vaginas. I love the word VAGINAS VAGINAS VAGINAS!”

A very happy me, “Dear god, man. I love vaginas too!”

A very sly Andy mouths the words “Vaginas rock….”

And so it went, a conversation full of left turns, outbursts, delicate moments and, most importantly, vaginas.

Ticklin’ the ol’ Ivories

We shot in the most amazing location, Andy’s ex wife’s backyard. She has an airstream and tons of random art and odds and ends lying around. There’s also some nice little work-sheds and an old baby grand piano in the middle of the yard. Eric setup the shots. First setup was in front of the airstream.We got singles of our heroes and moved on to the two of them, either working together or against each other. They really popped in the pics too. Andy and Lucas share a great energy onscreen and when they turn it on it’s quite captivating. We cranked the shots out and moved on to the baby grand. Andy lost his shorts for this one. His boys needed air.

The magical comet/sperm rain

The most amazing thing happened on the final setup with Eric’s lighting and some unexpected rain. Somehow the light hit the raindrops in a way that made them look like they were comets, or sperm, shooting upwards into the heavens. It was absolutely magical. And tied into our superheroes from another planet quite well. Here’s an outtake of some of that magical rain-comet action. Click the image to see it full size. The final shot is in the book.

NEXT UP: Spiral modeled by Dirty Jenny aka Jen Leigh

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Superhero by Superhero: Iron Meng

The Mexican Iron Man

Fallen Superhero: Iron Meng

Model: Mario Durant

Mario D is one of my favorite people in Los Angeles. He’s a rapper, a bartender and an all around good guy. He’s totally captivating on camera so he was a natural as a subject in the Fallen Superhero world.

This costume was one of the most fun ones to make. I didn’t sketch anything, just got the stuff I wanted to build the character out of and went for it. I started with an XXLarge blue body suit and a crap load of tubing, bolts and other stuff from Home Depot.

Iron Meng’s mask is a combination of a Man in the Iron Mask mask, a welder’s mask,some tubing, flashlights, duct tape, a broken wine opener and some pimp-ass headphones. I had to build it on Mario so it fit right. Since this is still photography the costume just had to look good on, not necessarily be easy to get on or off. I did try my best to keep the comfort factor as friendly as possible.

Chillin’ poolside

His shoulder armor is actually a floor mat from Home Depot, sprayed gold, cut and folded to the shape you see in the pics. It had the look of a tamale husk which really worked out better than imagined. His left shoulder gun is a Frankensteined old tripod and his right chest laser sighted impulse blaster is leftover bits of the old tripod mounted on a reshaped Hannibal Lector mask with some big gold washers…. all of it hot glued together and zip tied to the mat.

His belly piece, an homage to Iron Man’s ARC reactor embedded in his chest, is a spray painted stovetop drip pan with a gaudy giant “Mexican” diamond in it. I call it a “Mexican” diamond because it has all the colors you see Mexican women wearing if you ever go down to Mexico.

Throw in some knee bads, PVC pipe, chemical gloves, duct tape and boots and the whole suit came together quite nicely. The belt is all duct tape with a buckle made out of carabiner locks.

The decision to write all of his captions in Spanish was a gut thing. Just happened when I sat down to write and it’s one of those things I think add to the uniqueness and humor of the book. I wrote everything in English, dropped it into Google translate, then had Arturo at Medallion Press check it for accuracy. I’ll give props to Google translate for being about 97% accurate.

As far as backstory goes I just went with the notion that Iron Meng is a superhero who could totally kickass but is focused on being a hip hop artist. Just like so many people out there who take the road of struggle to pursue their art instead of the easy road, Iron Meng follows his heart even though he never breaks through on the music scene to achieve the notoriety he desires.

chores

The song lyrics and all other info is totally made up, just went with the theme and it worked out great. Definitely one of my favorite costumes and totally stoked that it came together so quickly and didn’t fall apart. And Mario D was amazing. The shot of him taking in the garbage is one of Eric Curtis’ most brilliant 11th hour creations and the humdrum vibe that Mario gives off in the photo just hammers the character home even more.

NEXT UP: Jupiter Boy & Captain Sensitivity modeled by real life son and father Lucas Dick and Andy Dick

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Superhero by Superhero: Chain-Male

The superhero who had to stay within earshot of his mother

Fallen Superhero: Chain-Male

Model: Josh “the Ponceman” Perry

What can I say about the Ponceman. He is my brother, yes. He has Down Syndrome, yes. He is one of the wittiest people I know, indeed, again, yes. Ponce as a superhero was a natural selection, he is a superhero in real life to many people. He is also held back at times by circumstances beyond his control like the character of Chain-Male.

Ponce was the 2nd superhero we shot for the book. We had cranked out the Double Diamonds at least 6 months earlier and we were going to knock out 2 more heroes in Louisiana, Chain-Male and Infinity Girl. We flew into New Orleans and got our respective shizzles together.

After the initial rifling through of mother’s storage we found boots with silver covers, gauntlets and a cool cape. I had also gotten some choice items from my buddies Ted and Laban, aka 2 headed horse productions. We did segments for the show Stupidface that Ted and Laban produced for FuelTV. They let me borrow this super shiny metallic orange one piece bathing suit and metallic hot pink short shorts. We procured some sweet goggles from Ozzie Dots as well as some spray in hair color. After I went nuts with colored duct tape we had an almost completed Chain-Male. He needed some sort of symbol though.

Lightbulb moment…. I saw a shiny blue bunjee cord and some silver card stock. I twisted the cord and put the silver card stock behind it. It had kind of an Egyptian, ankh-ish look to it. It sat nicely around Ponce’s nipples, which he liked. A lot.

We headed to the 9th ward in New Orleans and found some incredible locations. The giant anchors, 150 pound per link chains and enormous ship buoy were ripe for the picture taking. We just happened to drive by on a Sunday and there wasn’t a soul in sight. This location also gave us a solid element for our backstory.

We cranked out our shots and picked up later that week in Lake Martin, Louisiana. Our Brother in law had family that lived on Lake Martin which has the biggest population of gators in the US and also some amazing bird life. We got the lawnmower shots and discovered a bathtub that was just sitting out in the yard. We cleaned it out and when we turned around Ponce was already naked and ready to hop in. To say he is a sport is not even coming close to Ponce’s excitement on a shoot he really wants to be a part of, and this one was definitely one of his favorites.

An alternate version of Chain-Male in the tub… Uber-tarding

We finished off with a shot of Ponce drying off in the sun. I really wanted the full Monty naked man ass shot but our mother stepped in and handed us the multi-colored towel that ended up in the shot we used in the book. I still kinda prefer the naked Ponce butt shot, so here’s the censor bar version of it for you to relish in at your leisure.

The Black Bar of Naughtiness….

The problem shooting with Ponce is he rarely takes a bad picture. He’s got some of the best expressions and it made narrowing down the pics a very difficult task. In the end it all worked out quite nicely and the storyline is one of my favorites. I love the dialogue between Chain-Male and his mother where she tells him “Nobody is going to PAY you to be a superhero, but they do pay you for having Down Syndrome….” It’s a topic that is close to me. I have encountered a lot of special kids in my life and a lot of parents that want to protect them from everything out there in the big nasty ol’ world that could possibly hurt them. Sadly, a lot of kids are limited in their growth because of this behavior. It makes me sad and I really wanted to have that struggle between the parent and the “special” kid who, even though he was actually impervious to bullets , the mother still couldn’t let go of that overprotective instinct she had built up inside herself. So Chain-Male is limited in his superhero duties to only go as far as the abandoned shipyard at the end of the neighborhood so when mom calls out “Chain-Male!!!!!” he’s still in earshot.

NEXT UP: Iron Meng modeled by Mario Durant

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Superhero by Superhero: Nimrod the Hunter

Man vs Wild…. for reals

Fallen Superhero: Nimrod the Hunter

Model: Louis Moncivias

Louis Moncivias is the man. If you are in Austin, Texas and want to find film crew, stunt people, musicians, good food, cool bars or just feel the need to ride a horse and eat organic veggies from a private garden then Louis Moncivias is the man you need to meet.

I first met Louis on the set of Pastor Shepherd, a little indie flick that Ponce and I were in a few years ago. Louis was about to be Danny Trejo’s stunt double for a scene in Machete where he kicks his way out of a burning car. He was funny, nice, and he could gut a deer in 15 minutes. Ponce loved him and I too was a bit smitten.

We stayed in touch and as the road trip from Los Angeles to Louisiana approached I knew a drive through Austin was definitely in the cards. I talked to Eric about having a Native American superhero, he could speak to the animals, control the flow of rivers and summon the rain and sun gods. Of course, being fallen, maybe he could talk to the animals but couldn’t understand them. Maybe they thought he was an asshole? Maybe the rain and sun gods were busy 98% of the times he summoned them. Whatever it ended up being there was definitely a cool superhero about to be born.

I ransacked my mother’s costume storage and found a staff with deer antlers on the end of it and an amazing coat that was mesh-like and golden with red jewels on it. She also had some wicked tiger print stretchy material that would make killer superhero pants. Then I found a hooded cape, some cool purple/red fur and a leather multi-belt.

Quick Sketch of our woodland hero

I did some quick sketch work and handed it off to my mom. We decided to combine the coat and the hooded cape into one coat-cape. I found some deck boots and with a little spray paint and mom’s fur trimming skills our hero had some nice superhero footwear. Something was still missing though. I talked with Eric and came up with the idea to make a Medallion with a Native American/Superhero symbol on it, like the belt buckle in the sketch I did, but have it on a chain around his neck, and then let the multi-belt just shine in its own glory. We also needed to come up with some gloves. Here is where we get a good taste of superhero recycling. I had a pair of Batman gloves lying around. I cut them off at the wrists and spray painted them gold. They worked perfectly with the rest of the costume. So what to do with the rest of the gloves I had severed? I through them in the box o’ goodies and forgot about them…. until I needed to make some cool gloves on the spot for Manorexic. But more on that when we get to him.

So Nimrod’s costume was done and packed for the roadtrip. By the time we drove to Austin Louis and Nancy Rankin, amazing hairstylist/yin to Louis’ yang, had lined up the pimpest of locations for us. We had the horse and wilderness, a cool little cafe called Snackbar, a salon where he would be getting his hair dresser certification (superheroes gotta pay the bills yo), a bar and the coolest bachelor pad I’ve seen outside of invading Mr. Roper’s dreams…. you know, the landlord from Three’s Company.

Mike Fenner had the pimp crib. The big rooster pic, that’s his work. The giant eggs on the table, his. Also, when I was talking to Louis about locations that would be cool to find I said, “Do you know any place that has wall to wall carpeting? That was a big fad in the 60s and 70s.” To which Louis replied, “No, I don’t know any places like that…. I do have a friend who has a fur room.”

…. a FUR room???….

Again, it was Fenner’s place. He had made this amazing room that was covered in this crazy gun-metal silver fake fur, wall to wall, ceiling to floor. Sold!

The only hitch we had with any of the locations was one of those many hitches we had during this book making adventure where we ended up getting a better location that played into the story better than originally imagined. We waited outside our original bar location for an hour or so with all of our extras we had for that day. The bar was closed and whoever the contact was had an all nighter and wasn’t answering his phone. We ate lunch, waited, left messages, then Louis told us he was going to find us a new location. 15 minutes later Louis returned to say he’d found a new location that was a mile away and they were totally cool with us shooting there. Pete’s Eastside Bar. They got worked into the storyline too, just because the location was such a great looking place that screamed story.

Updating his Facebook status.
Nimrod was with Jojo at Poquito Ranch, Austin, TX

And the shot of Louis with his horse/best friend was a celebrity cameo of sorts. The horse, Jojo, was in the remake of Conan that came out last year. I say “of sorts” because nobody actually saw that movie because it sucked harder than a 20 dollar Thai whore trying to save up for a boob job.

The killer shot, literally, was of Nimrod standing in his “Kill Zone” where deer parts hang from chains and blood drips from tubes and just an odd assortment of creepy yet cool items abound. Nancy and Louis had all the fake blood we could possibly need and then some. We spent a great deal of time setting the shot up, making smoke shoot from the chiminea in the distance, wetting the place down. It’s indeed one of my favorite shots in the book and had Ponce and I not been cast in Pastor Shepherd it most likely would not exist. Nimrod would most likely not exist. It’s pretty cool when you connect the dots that life has laid out for you. Just wish it was as easy to see the dots that are ahead of you as it is to trace the ones that got you where you are.

I’ll let Adam Mock close out with his thoughts on our mighty Nimrod.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged . . .” has got to be one of the most famous openers in fiction. With my wife being a Jane Austen fan, I couldn’t help but pay homage to Ms. Austen’s opening line in Pride and Prejudice. And no, the plural of Draculas is NOT a typo. It’s a funny. Purposely calling vampires “Draculas” is funny every time.
In season 8 episode 5 of Project Runway, a designer named Casanova had one of the best meltdown moments I’ve seen in a while. After getting fed up with the judges feedback on his designs he says, “I’m making clothes for old ladies, sluts, and flamenco dancers . . . And I’m getting fat!” I had to put this in the book somewhere and Nimrod was just the place.
“The horse is his friend, it would be an insult to ride him.” is verbatim from an email Scott sent to me.  Scott had written a rough paragraph of ideas that I used to flesh out the final pages of Nimrod, but the one that stood out was that simple line. It was stated so matter of factly that it had to be in the book. I believe anyone who reads it is instantly transported to that last photo, sitting across from Nimrod at that table as he speaks those sage words, and we are powerless to disagree.
– Adam Mock
 NEXT UP: Chain-Male modeled by Josh “the Ponceman” Perry