A VERY RETARDED POLICEMAN THANKSGIVING

I love me some turkey!

SAP here…

Well kiddies, it’s been a long time coming but it’s finally arrived. The burying of the hatchets, the finding of the common ground, the letting of the bygones to be bygones has finally arrived. We, the Perry brothers, Ponceman and SAP, have finally calmed the once rough waters between us and Mediocre Films, aka Greg Benson. In short….

….it’s all good

So, this Thanksgiving has an extra special thanks-ing from us to the universe and all the fans who have clamored and begged for more RP. We are super thrilled to announce we are officially in pre-production on all new episodes of the Retarded Policeman. More announcements will be coming your way soon. In the meantime, look for new RP episodes to hit the Mediocre films channel in the beginning of 2012.

Again, thanks everyone for your support over the years and get your giggles warmed up for all new RP episodes tickling your funny bones and pushing the envelopes of the uptight.

 

PONCE here…

I’m very excited to do new episodes of RP. I love the show and I can’t wait to make new ones. It’s gonna rock. And thanks everybody for loving RP. It’s really fun to make them and it’s gonna be here soon so let’s get rockin’!

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Happy New Year

Ponce here…

Me an bro really love the holidays. I love them so much and love to see my family and my friends. This is our New Years video we made for everyone out there our friends and fans and we want everybody to rock on! And I am dead sexy in this video so pass it on.

SAP here…

Dead Sexy indeed. We love making these flicks and we really do appreciate everybody out there who supports us. This has been a tough year but we got through it and things, as the saying goes, are looking up. we will keep making with the fun, the funny, the… at times… touching (emotionally you pervert), and continue to fight the good fight.

Happy New Year to everyone.

Tshirts, Hoodies, and more: www.ponceman.com

Christmas is the Spirit, Ponce FTW

"Christmas is the Spirit" Me and Quernzy

Ponce here…

I just wanna say to everybody out there that it’s Christmas time and it means a lot to me. I love Christmas. I love presents. I love eating all the good food. And I love being together with my good family and we all get along. Me and bro are back in Louisiana our hometown Lafayette with the whole family and I love everyone.

I’m a lucky guy and I get all the ladies. I’m still a virgin but the ladies love me and they think I’m adorable and charming. I learned how to be charming from my father and my brother.

Me and Fahver (a.k.a Father) "He used to be an alcoholic but he’s cool now."

Father is a good man. The nicest man on the planet. He used to be an alcoholic but he’s cool now. That was a long time ago. He looks like Santa Claus now and he is Santa to me and everybody in the family. I love watching Sanford and Son with him because he reminds me of Fred. And I’m Lamont. And Mama is Esther. I love that show and sometime I watch it with father and we laugh so hard till we shit our pants. That’s a good laugh to have.

And I love my mama. I used to suckle her teets. And she took care of me when the doctor told her I should be put in an institution because I have Down Syndrome. That doctor can kiss my ass. He said I wouldn’t be worth anything to society but he was wrong and now he’s dead. So I win. Ponce FTW. And my mama never gave up on me and now I am getting smarter everyday. And my mama always looks out for me.

Me and my Mama "I used to suckle her teets."

Mema my grandmother is a really cool lady. She was in my Retarded Policeman episode called GILF and she was hilarious in it.  Love my Mema. She makes me laugh and it’s good to get along with her ‘cause Mema’s awesome.  She always took me to breakfast a lot when I was growing up and I love that. We would eat at Mel’s Diner and I always had steak and eggs there and coffee and she had good black coffee and English muffin. That’s some good Mema memories.

Me and Mema " She makes me laugh..."

Me and Stah (a.k.a. Sistah a.k.a. Sister) "She’s pregnant, and I’m happy about that."

Then there’s Stah. I love my sistah. She’s like a mama to me, and she also buys me good stuff too. She’s pregnant, and I’m happy about that. It’s a girl! And her name’s gonna be Mya, pronounced My-uhh. Kinda retarded, the name, but I will love that baby. Can’t wait till it comes out, and I hope she’ll be cool and I hope to get along with her too, like I do with Kaylyn and Rain my nieces. And I will tickle Mya’s armpits when she gets bigger. And I hope she’ll like it when I blow on her belly and make a Zerbert. It’ll tickle her and she’ll laugh. I love my Stah so much, no matter what, she’ll always be the best Stah. She’s cool like Molly Shannon from the movie Super Star– but Stah’s movie would be called SUPA STAH! And she’d put her hands in her armpits and smell it and put her arms up and say “I’m Supa Stah! And I will kick everyone’s ass if they fuck with me!”

My Bro-in-law " He’s the first guy Stah’s in love with that we all like."

My bro-in-law is married to Stah. He’s a cool guy and we all love him. He’s the first guy Stah’s in love with that we all like. And he makes us laugh- he looks like Ashton Kutcher. Everytime I see him I say “you just got PUNK’D motha fucka!” I love that show, but I love my bro-in-law more, he’s a cool guy. And he’s new to our family, so he’s a Perry now! I’m sure he loves that. His last name is Richard (pronounced Ree-shard). I always say to him he’s a Richard of a Retard!

Kaylyn, my niece, is Stah’s daughter. I wrote a good poem about her called ‘Kaylyn, My Niece’ and made it into a video, so click it to watch. I love my Kaylyn so much. She makes me laugh, and I tickle her armpits. It drives her crazy. She’s a cheerleader. I watched her cheer the other night and I thought she was awesome! I wish I could be a cheerleader like that. She also plays piano, she’s really good at it too. She also has a youtube series called Bipolar Sally. She’s crazy. Click on that too! It’s really hilarious. My favorite one is “jumping on the bed!” My other favorite is a prank call. I love my Kaylyn, and she’s also pretty. She’s gettin’ so big like an adult!

Kaylyn "I tickle her armpits." and Rain "She makes me happy."

And Rain (Rainderrr) is here for the first time and I am really happy about that. She flew out here from California to spend Christmas with us. I can’t wait to have some good potatoes that she’s gonna cook us- She calls them ‘Rain’s Amazing Potatoes’ and I hope it’s gonna be amazing. I haven’t seen her since the summer, and we had coffee at Psychobabble with Dirty Jenny and Teresa. I love my Rain so much. She makes me happy and I will always love her even when I tickle her armpits cuz I know it drives her crazy – but she loves it! I’m just an armpit guy. After Christmas, bro and Rain and I are flying back to California to hang out with her two mamas, Michelle and Veronika. I’m very excited. I can’t wait to take them all to Yogurtland and Pho-21.

Me and bro (a.k.a. my Bitch) "We will always be brothers like Rain Man and Twins."

And then there’s bro. He makes me laugh. Sometimes we fight but we fight like brothers. He’s concerned about me a lot and protects me. I think he’s a cool guy. He’s the best bro ever. We are the best. We will always be brothers like Rain Man and Twins. I love my bro forever and ever and he helps me keep all my stuff neat and buys me cool clothes and DVDs and I’m happy about that. And we write some very good TV shows and movies and videos together a good team we are.  And he also told me to go dance with some hot ladies the other night at the bar and I did and I got a smooch from the really sexy one. So anyway, that’s what I have to say about my bro. xoxo

Our family had some hard times and we still do but we always get through all the bad stuff and stay together forever.

If you ever have a bad time with your family don’t ever give up on them. Everybody can change even if they are old or young or whatever. And Christmas is a good time of the year for family. Christmas is the spirit and it only happens every year. So can‘t wait for new years.

So here’s Christmas is the Spirit the song I wrote with bro. I wrote most of the lyrics and bro helped and he wrote the music and then Dirty Jenny played guitar on it. Bro plays the other instruments and my sweet Quernzy sings it. I almost fell asleep when we made this video because I was being a lazy bum and didn’t get too much sleep that night before so I almost blew it. But I finally did it and did a funny jolly good elf.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Perry Christmas everybody.

Rock on – Ponce

Art in the Age of the Non-Artist

The Entertainment Toilet

The Entertainment Toilet

Let’s face it, Music, Television, Cinema, and all forms of mainstream entertainment are in the crapper.

Why? Because they are marketable. And if something is marketable, the ones who pay for the marketing will do everything in their power to find the laziest, least expensive way to market it. Sadly, this practice translates into recycled, watered down versions of something that was once great.

We went from James Brown to Chris Brown. At least when brother James beat his woman I actually gave a shit whether or not he would pull himself back together and make things A-OKAY. Why? So he could get back to being the badass performer he was. The guy lived a long, amazing life, changed music and made it okay to say “I’m Black and I’m Proud”… and made it okay to say it loud!

That said, How has Chris Brown’s “art” helped our society? It’s pretty clear that he is nowhere near being a badass at anything except for being a tremendous disappointment. When the music you create sounds like everything else that’s currently popular, you’re not contributing, you’re just adding water to the gumbo. You are just another generic, replicable artist who clearly didn’t realize how lucky you were to be in your position. A position that will most likely enable you to star on HasBeen of Love or some other lame attempt at retaining some form of spotlight. And now Chris Brown is trying to salvage his post punch-the-woman-you-claim-to-be-in-love-with-in-the-face career by launching a new tour with ALL FEMALE MUSICIANS in his band. Is this some transparent, pathetic ploy to win over some semblance of a fanbase? I lean towards a YES. The utterly tragic thing is, with good marketing, it might actually work for him.

Parties and Expense Accounts FTW!

Parties and Expense Accounts FTW!

There was a time when record labels had real A&R people. Artists and Repertoire… These were the cats that went out and found new artists and signed them to their hot, happening record label. Talent scouts. The whole goal was to find some singer or band out there that was so good you just had to share them with the whole world. And, undoubtedly, this undeniable talent would rake in the cash when their audience found them. Now the goal is to hit SXSW for all the parties and max out the expense account like a mofo. Why bother going to a show when all the “artists” on your label have never played a live gig?

What happened to top radio? What happened to music?

I am going to play snitch here and pick on two main offenders who unknowingly destroyed the need for a performing artist to have actual “talent” while they were most likely just trying to have a good time. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Poison and New Kids On the Block.

The Guilty Pleasures That Never Realized The Damage They Would Do

- The Guilty Pleasures That Never Realized The Damage They Could Do -

I admit, am not without sin. I sang along to tracks like Talk Dirty To Me and Every Rose Has Its Thorn. However, I never liked NKOTB. My sister did. She had every poster of every size, including an 8″x6″, life-size-New-Kids-and-their-New-Kid-crotches wall tapestry.

So what is it that’s so terrible about these bleepin’ bands that would make me so easily send them before the firing squad? Marketing.

NKOTB was an act put together for the simple act of making money. Producer Maurice Starr was not trying to create a band that would make songs that could change the world, he wanted to put together an act that would make the PHAT money. The recipe was simple in the ’80s:

  • Assemble a group of semi-talented teen boys
  • Teach them to dance (naughtiest moves you can get away with)
  • Dress them in whatever fashion is currently popular
  • Pay song writers and producers to create an easy to chew (hard to swallow) album
  • Watch the cash roll in.

That is, until the audience gets sick of them or they get too old to attract the teens. Then roll out your NSYNCS, Backstreet Boys, and so on. That’s how we ended up with the current atrocities we are plagued with like the Jonas Brothers and any other of the dozen whiny-white-boy bands that are in heavy rotation on top 40 radio. I will admit the NKOTB could dance and a couple of the guys seemed to be able to carry a tune, but the ones bands that have been created in their image don’t even have those basic skills.

And what was Poison’s main offense? They helped prove that you didn’t need real talent to sell records as long as the package was really pretty. All you need is a couple of catchy tunes, cute band members, specifically a lead singer and lead guitarist, and voila! Multi-Platinum success. Ricky Rocket, god bless him, was one of the worst “drummers” to ever attempt to beat the skins. Listen to Poison’s rendition of the Kiss classic I Wanna Rock And Roll All Night and you’ll hear the horror of his no-tempo chops. And CC Deville… I’ll just say god bless him too and leave it at that.

The record labels found a much lazier way to sell records than searching for new talent to market. In the 80’s world of Rock & Hair metal, these marketing wizards quickly realized that cute lead singers and virtuoso guitarists do not equal a great band. This formula could not magically produce hit songs, so the labels started assigning song writers to these bands to assure hit magic. Desmond Child is a nice example of the hired-gun songwriter. I will admit this cat has definitely written some good songs. However, it is pretty clear that you don’t write songs with Kiss and Aerosmith and then turn around to write songs for Cher and muthafuckin’ Michael Bolton without bullshitting one end of the spectrum. One of those two extremes is getting a real song-writer/artist in his element pouring his heart and soul into his work, and the other one is getting a dude who’s just picking up a paycheck. This kind of hired gun behavior tends to lead the hired-gun into forgetting about the whole artistry side of things all together and to simply focus on the collecting a paycheck side of things.

Oh My, The Irony of this Album's Title...

Oh My, The Irony of This Album's Title...

Speaking of Aerosmith, I’d like to point out that the hit single Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing from the hit box office movie/turd Armageddon still causes a sandwich I ate back in 1993 to come up and gurgle around in the back of my throat.

So how do you fix a bad band with cute members that can’t play worth a shit? You let real musicians play on the record. Ever see the band Jet live? Listen to the record, then listen to them live. Something does not add up.

Fortunately, Jet brings us to the issue of SHELF LIFE. The longer you keep a hit artist or band around the more money you will eventually have to pay them. So you just replace them with an equally marketable clone. Does anyone reading this blog actually even remember Jet? They were HUGE… for about 2 years. Most of the top 40 artists on the airwaves last about that long. My guess is these artists will all eventually segue into reality TV. Can’t wait for Lady GaGa of Love.

Brittany Spears, Jonas Brothers, and Hillary Duff are all little kids who were dressed up as whores to sell sex to other kids AND adults under the guise of artistry. They don’t write their own songs, they can’t sing worth a shit, and the “CDs” they have recorded will ultimately be forgotten. Want to create your own artist of this caliber in today’s market?

  • Find a cute kid, ATTEMPT to train them to dance
  • Teach them to lip sync.
  • Record their CD with studio musicians playing songs written by hired-guns.
  • (A) Auto-tune the living piss out of their voices or (B) Use real singers on the tracks so you have a polished product to sell
  • Parade your manufactured sex child around as the megastar brainchild behind the sub-turd CD that has their name on it
  • Watch the cash roll in.

The only thing you need is the money for the marketing and people will go for your product. Even if they know it sucks ass.

This is my jumping off point to the current state of CINEMA. How do you make people pay to see a movie they already know is gonna suck? Don’t give them any other options.

The only thing coming out of Hollywood today is movies based on TV shows, remakes, sequels, prequels, and the latest FULL OF SHIT LABELING HOLLYWOOD HAS BRAINWASHED AMERICA WITH… THE RE-IMAGINING. Right, the Re-Imagining of a title they already own the rights to so they don’t have to pay for an original idea that they might lose money on. Why spend the dough coming up with a smart marketing campaign for an original movie when you can just let a previous incarnation (eg. 1970’s Starskey and Hutch TV Series turned unwatchable piece of crap movie) be it’s own marketing. You don’t have to market something that’s already familiar to ticket buyers. They count on you to jump into the chipper with everyone else and swallow these filmed turds as quality entertainment. Seriously people! Transformers 2??? You paid to see that shit?

Our society is being dumbed down and trained to accept lazy, half-assed crap as viable entertainment. I’ve heard many people say things like “It was better than most of the other crap that’s out there, so by comparison it was good.” If your choice is between a cancerous tumor the size of a golf ball or one the size of a grapefruit, it doesn’t matter which one you choose. You still end up with a cancerous tumor! Here’s a little fact… if you don’t pay to see the new G.I. Joe Movie they won’t make another one. But you have to commit to NOT PAYING TO SEE IT. And when indie films are mostly limited to Los Angeles, New York and a handful of other markets, it’s hard for most of moviegoing America to NOT pay to see a bad movie.

Case and point, the 2003 Hulk movie directed by Ang Lee is one of the worst cinematic puke fests I’ve ever scene. It is dumbfoundingly terrible. But people still paid to see it. EVEN AFTER THEIR FRIENDS TOLD THEM IT WAS TERRIBLE. So, what happened? Everybody knew the film was a big piece of flaming tick-shit, but it still made over 137 million dollars in theatres. And you can double that figure for DVD sales. That’s real money that was made on a giant green turd. But people paid to see it because it was marketed to death.

Both of these films made over 130 million dollars

Both of these films made over 130 million dollars

Which brings us to 2008 and a new Incredible Hulk movie that story-wise completely ignores the fact that only 5 years prior the Ang Lee Hulk was made. And this new Incredible Hulk, Edward Norton as Bruce Banner, Liv Tyler as hottie/hero love interest still sucked. Sure, I will easily admit that it wasn’t as bad as the other Hulk movie… but it was still fucking BAD. Cancerous golf balls can kill you!

And what has been killed? Quality. Talent. Artistry. All victims of our cultural demise. When you go to the Sundance film festival and the biggest, most newsworthy celebrity siting is Paris Hilton you know that culturally we’ve gone terribly wrong. Celebrities used to have to earn their fame and respect by being talented. All the flash in the pan, one-hit-wonders that have always been a part of this world used to just fade away. The truly talented always endured. The Bay City Rollers are now a trivia question, or at most, a guilty pleasure. But Paris Hilton? We will be plagued with her existence forever. Why? Because we fucking pay attention to her. The talentless celebrity trainwreck is fun to watch. And between the internet, the media, and reality TV we can watch these trainwrecks 24/7.

If I’m lucky enough to see a live band today who actually plays their own instruments with the talent and conviction a true musician should, I am left shellshocked. Why has seeing real music played by real artists become such a rarity? When you pay to see a comedy why are you blown away when it’s actually funny? Because the bar is so fucking low now anything that registers slightly above mediocre is now considered amazing. How pathetic is it that Hannah Montana is a measure of what passes for good writing/good music/good entertainment today? It makes me miss The Monkees. At least the Monkees could really sing and dance and knew how to make with the funny.

The New Monkees 1987

The New Monkees 1987

I fear that when the powers that be make the New-New Monkees (that’s right, they already made The New Monkees in ’87) the show stopping talent of its members will be the ability to lip sync really awesome to pre-recorded computer made music and to each do one (and only one) hella-cool dance move. The tragedy is, if they market it, people will watch. Just gotta keep lowering the bar until people don’t know what entertainment is anymore.

So why the concern on my part? Because entertainment… Music, Movies, Television… is what I live for.  Aside from my family and friends they are the main things I enjoy in life. And I have found myself trying to break through to the mainstream, where the real money is, for my entire adult life.  so what do you do when you realize that you are smack dab in the middle of a business you detest? When all you want to do is make movies, music, and TV shows that don’t suck but the only opportunities out there require you to sell out and make something you know will be CRAP, what the hell do you do?

whitewall2We, the Perry Brothers, SAP and the mighty Ponceman, will not dumb things down. If we make a fart joke, rest assured that it will be a fart joke of the highest quality. If we make a feature it will be one that we WANT to make and not one producers sell us on based on its “marketability”. Creating “art” is the only thing that keeps us going. If the only option for success in the entertainment world is to create crap we’ll leave the entertainment world and create a world of our own where we can create our “art” without sucking the quality and soul out it for “marketability”. We’d rather raise the standards of what passes as entertainment and, hopefully, let the talentless celbrities, musicless bands, and recycled Hollywood dogshit do what it used to do… just fade away.

New Youtube Design – With POLL

UPDATE: We are holding off on switching to YouTube’s new channel design because we don’t really like the way it works… or doesn’t work. Once they figure out the bugs and how to make things easier for the random youtube viewer to search your videos and playlists etc, we will most likely dive into the new look. We have offically dubbed the channel The Perry Brothers Abnormal Comedy.

Ponceman’s Tube of Hilarity has a new look and a new name.  We give you…

The Perry Brother’s YouTube-Gasm (YouTube-Gasm is actually a joke… we are sticking with our brand of Abnormal Comedy, but any Gasm is great for Polling basis)

Easier navigation, nicer layout... better branding options?

Easier navigation, nicer layout... better branding options?